If I Ain’t Got You – Chapter2

Chapter 2 — In Need of Healing

Dec 21, 2002 – Orlando, FL – The Sheraton World Resort – Justin’s Hotel Room

“Come on man; just hop out of those clothes and get into bed with me. I don’t really want to be alone tonight,” Justin whined as Jackson helped him over to the bed.

“No Justin, I’m not going to be doing that. I drove you back here so you could be safe and now that you are, I’m getting a taxi back to my car and then I’m getting home,” Jackson stated.

“Fine, you’re nothing but a party pooper,” Justin said as he fell face-first on the bed, passed out.

“Good night Justin Tanner,” Jackson said as he turned Justin over in the bed and then maneuvered him correctly in the bed and then took his shoes off. “I hope you have a good night kid. I don’t know what caused you to drink so heavily tonight, but I hope things get better for you.”

The Next Morning

Justin’s POV

Damn, my head’s killing me right now. I’m used to having headaches, but what I’m feeling right now is so much severe. My head’s in a fog and I can barely remember what it was I did last night. Looking at the clock, I see that it’s a little bit before nine and I really don’t want to get up to start the day.

“Damn, what in the hell did I do? What happened to me last night?” I asked aloud as I sat up in bed and then rubbed my head. “Oh damn, now I remember it now. I was a fucking dick to that guy.”

Getting up, I stretched and then made my way over to the bathroom. Stopping, I noticed a piece of paper on top of the television. Hmmm, what’s that? It looks like a note of some kind. Who could it be from? How did it get here?


Dear Justin,

I don’t know if you’ll remember everything that happened last night but you were really out of it. So after bringing you back here, I put you to bed, wrote out this note and then walked out. I don’t know what caused you to drink so heavily but if you ever need a friend to talk to I’m here for you kid. You know where to find me or you can give me a call at 407-XXX-XXXX.



“Damn, I hope I didn’t do anything really out of the norm with him. I was drunk and when I drink, I get horny. I just hope I didn’t do anything that he could use against me at some later time,” I said aloud, just as the phone rang. “Who could that be? Hello?”

“Hey baby, what’s up?” I heard a familiar voice that I didn’t want to hear.

“Nothing Josh, I’m getting ready to take a shower and then I’m headed to breakfast,” I replied.

“Since you’re still in town, why don’t we hit Disney and have some fun?” He asked as I shook my head.

“I so don’t think so buddy. I don’t feel like doing anything, especially with you,” I said, wondering how he knew I was here, since I didn’t tell him or anyone else.

“Oh come on baby, it’ll be like old times, just the two of us,” he said as I shook my head again, wondering who he had talked with to find out where I was.

“That’s the problem Josh; things would never be like old times with us, ever again. We’re not together anymore,” I declared, feeling the pain of my words.

“I—I know Justin and I’m sorry,” he said as I sighed. “I—I wish we could change that. I really miss you baby.”

“I’m not your baby Josh and you need to stop calling me that,” I said, highly pissed off. “You cheated on me and…”

“I know I did, but I’m really sorry,” he said as I shook my head again. “I—I really wish I hadn’t done that. I really do miss you baby.”

“Josh,” I said as he interrupted me again.

“Justin please, I love you, I really do,” he said as I could hear him crying.

“Cut the act Josh. I loved you, but love isn’t supposed to hurt,” I said, sighing as I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as I hung up the phone, not wanting to hear any more from him.

How dare he call me and talk about love! If he loved me, he never would’ve done the things he did! He got some damn nerve calling here and claiming that he loves me. Love isn’t supposed to hurt, especially when all he did was lie, cheat and beat on me.

I—I can’t deal with him or anything remotely concerning him anymore. Maybe—maybe I can talk to someone about this and it might help me get over it. Maybe I can talk to this guy Jackson. Sighing, I picked up the phone, looked at the note and then dialed the number listed.

“Hello,” someone answered the line.

“Hi, ah… May I speak to Jackson?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, but Jackson isn’t here right now. This is Kendall, may I help you?” The person asked as I shook my head.

“Ah… Well… Ah… no. I—I’ll just try to reach him later on,” I said with a frown as I turned around.

“Would you like to leave him a message?” The person asked as I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Ah… Well… you can tell him that Justin called,” I said as I looked at my watch. “Thanks, bye.”

“I’ll tell him and you have a nice day,” the guy said as the phone clicked, signaling that he hung up.

“Well that was a bust. I guess I’ll go shower and make the best of the rest of this day,” I said as I walked into the bathroom as there was a knock on the door. “Who could that possibly be? No one knows I’m even here. Who’s there?”

“It’s the bellboy sir; I have a delivery for Mr. Tanner,” the person called out.

“I didn’t order anything and no one should be sending things here,” I said as I opened the door to see the hotel bellboy with a handful of roses and a giant teddy bear. “Hi.”

“Hello sir. All of this just arrived for you,” the bellboy stated.

“Who is all of this stuff from?” I asked, helping the young man bring everything into the room.

“Here’s the card sir,” the bellboy said as he handed me the card that came along with everything. “You have a nice day sir.”

“You too, wait a minute,” I said, reaching into my pocket to pull some money out. “Here you go. Thanks for lugging all of this stuff up here.”

“Thanks sir, it’s not a problem, it’s part of the job,” the bellboy said as he smiled and then waved.

“You’re welcomed,” I said as the bellboy walked out of the room and then closed the door behind him. “I wonder where all of this crap came from…”


Justin baby, I know you’re mad with me and I know I hurt you very badly. Please baby, please give me another chance. I love you very much and I can’t see living the rest of my life without you in it. I know I screwed up, but I love you more than you’ll ever know. Please baby, please give me another chance.

Love Josh


“Why won’t he just leave me the hell alone? He betrayed my trust and my love for him. We’ll never be able to be together again,” I said, going into the bathroom and started the water in the shower. “There’s nothing more for the two of us. He ruined all of that. He just needs to leave me the hell alone!”

Sighing, I took my clothes off, walked into the bathroom and stepped into the shower. Getting under the water, I slid down the wall to the floor as my tears overtook me as images of how Josh betrayed me, flashed through my mind. Why is he doing this to me? Why can’t he just let me be?

Jamestown, NY – The Private Townhouse of Nick Canton

Kevin’s POV

“Good morning Sunshine,” I said as I walked into Nicky’s bedroom with a tray of food and juice for him.

“Morning Kevin,” he replied as he yawned and then stretched his arms, sitting up on the edge of the bed.

“I hope you slept well, regardless of the current circumstances,” I said, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him.

“I’m not going back Kevin. I’m sorry you came all of this way, but I just don’t want to be around anyone, not even them,” he said as he looked away from me.

“I know you don’t Nicky, but Janet and Robert want you home, just like everyone else does,” I told him.

“Well I’m sorry Kevin, but I can’t face any of them right now,” he said with a frown.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because Mom and Aaron tried to warn me. They tried to warn me that I was falling for him and I tried to convince them that I wasn’t. I lied to Dad over and over again about the relationship we had. I lied to him Kevin. I told him that I wasn’t even seeing him,” he explained as a few tears fell from his eyes.

“What’re you saying Nicky?” I asked.

“Dad suspects that I’m gay, but I haven’t actually come out and told him just yet,” he said, looking down as he wiped at his eyes.

“How can he not Know? Janet and the others know, don’t they?” I asked, looking at him strangely. I’m more confused now, than anything.

“The others know, but I swore them all to secrecy,” he replied as he looked up at me. “Dad only suspects because of the things he’s heard. Until I tell him, none of that stuff really matters to him.”

“When are you going to tell him then Nicky?” I asked.

“I—I don’t know Kevin, but right now isn’t the time for me to be around him or any of them. If I was there, I would only make things worse than they already are,” he stated as the tears fell from his eyes.

“That isn’t true Nicky. They all love you very much. They all want you to come home,” I told him. “I’m quite sure that Robert already knows the truth about you being gay.”

“No he doesn’t,” he replied as he shook his head.

“Would it be so bad for him to know about his son’s life? Everyone else knows Nicky,” I said as he shook his head again.

“Yes, it would totally be bad. You know how he feels about gay people,” he said as he shook his head again and then looked down.

“He wouldn’t feel that way towards you Nicky, he’ll still love you,” I said, leaning over and hugging him. “Come on, we need to get ready to go.”

“As I already said, I’m not going back with you,” he said as he shook his head again.

“Look Nicky, you’re going home. You’re going, even if I have to drag you back there, kicking and screaming,” I told him as I got up off the bed. “Now eat your breakfast and then go get ready.”

“You can’t make me go back there Kevin,” he said, glaring at me.

“I’m not going to make you go anywhere Nicky; you’re going to go there on your own, whether you like it or not. I wish you would get it through your damn head that everything in life doesn’t revolve around just you,” I said as he looked away from me. “For the last couple of weeks, it’s been all about you and nobody else…”

“Wait a minute,” he said as I shook my head this time.

“No, you wait Nick! It’s time for you to start acting like a damn man and not the spoiled brat you have been. You’re going home,” I said as I turned around and walked out of the room as I slammed the door behind me. Maybe that will spark some kind of emotion in him and get him to see things for what they are.

Orlando, FL – The Home of Joshua Charles

“Hey babe, why did you call me to come over here?” Seann, a friend of Joshua Charles asked as he walked through the front door.

“I—I called you here because I have something to say to you,” Joshua spoke as his friend smiled and stepped closer to him.

“Well go ahead baby, say what you want,” the guy said as he leaned in to kiss Josh, but Josh moved back quickly to avoid his lips. “What’s up with that baby?”

“Because of you, I’ve lost the man that I love, forever!” Joshua screamed as he moved away from the man.

“Come on, that wasn’t my fault. You’re an adult, you are the one that pursued me, not the other way around. I didn’t run you down or anything, you chased me. You were the one in control of everything,” the man said with a smirk on his face.

“You—you led me on damn it!” Joshua snapped as he got closer to the man and then pushed him backwards.

“I didn’t do anything to you Josh,” the man said with a smile as he shook his head. “You hung out with me because you wanted to. I didn’t do anything to force you into being around me.”

“Yes you did! You told me that if I devoted more time to you, that you would make it worth my while. All I’ve gotten from you were broken damn promises and crap!” Joshua screamed as he slapped the man across the face. “I fucked up a good thing for twenty minutes of terrible sex.”

“Twenty minutes of terrible sex! It couldn’t have been too damn terrible, since you kept coming back and you know we’ve gone longer than twenty fucking minutes,” the man said as he rubbed the side of his face. “You know you loved every minute you spent with me Josh. So why don’t you stop acting like a prick, it doesn’t suite you. There’s no reason for you to be acting this way. You might as well stick with me now that Justin doesn’t want your skanky ass back.”

“What the fuck ever!” Joshua snapped as he turned away from the man. “I hate you! I wish I never laid eyes on you! Damn porno-star reject!”

“Whatever Josh, you don’t hate me, you love me. If you didn’t love me, you wouldn’t have dropped Justin for me so easily,” the man said as he stepped closer to Joshua and then touched his lips. “You know you love me man. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it, you love me and that’s final.”

“I don’t love you, I love him!” Joshua screamed as he shook his head.

“You don’t love Justin; you’re in love with me. If you weren’t in love with me, like you claim you aren’t, you wouldn’t be here, wasting your time with all of this damn talking. Most people that hate others, don’t waste time by talking with the people they hate. So stop with all the dramatics. You know you want to go upstairs so we can fuck our brains out. Why don’t you just admit it already,” the man said as he crossed his arms across his chest.

“No man, you’ll never touch me in that way again, never!” Joshua snapped as he moved away from the man. “Get out! I never want to see you again!”

“I’ll leave you alone for now, but I guarantee you’ll come running your lonely ass back to me,” the man said as he leaned in and kissed Joshua’s lips as Joshua pushed him backwards again.

“I’ll never go back to you Seann! I hope you die and go straight to hell to rot!” Joshua yelled as he pushed the man towards the door. “Now get the hell out and don’t you ever come back here!”

Jamestown, NY – The Airport – The VIP Lounge

“Are you fucking happy now Kevin?” Nick asked as he took a seat across from Kevin as they waited for their flight to be called.

“You don’t have to talk to me that way Nicky and yes, I’m very happy right now. I’m quite sure the rest of your family will be as well. I’m sure they’ll be glad to see you when we get there,” Kevin stated with a smile.

“Well, when we get there, I’m going straight up to my room and not coming out until it’s all over,” Nick replied as he shook his head.

“You’re not coming out until what’s all over?” Kevin asked as he looked over at Nick strangely.

“Just forget I said that,” Nick said as he looked away from Kevin. “It really doesn’t matter.”

“Whatever it is, it matters to me Nicky. Anything that you do matters to me,” Kevin said as he got up and then sat next to Nick. “Talk to me here Nicky. What’s going through that head of yours?”

“I don’t want to talk Kevin. If it mattered to you so much, you would’ve left me alone when I asked you to,” Nick said as he yanked his arm away from Kevin and then got up from his seat as he walked over to the other side of the room.

“Stop it Nicky, you know you’re one of my best friends in the whole wide world. I can’t… I don’t want to see you in pain like this. I know you got hurt, but let it go. You need to find something else that helps you forget about that hurt,” Kevin stated with a sigh.

“There isn’t anything else Kevin. I have nothing, nothing at all,” Nick said as he ran into the bathroom as Kevin ran behind him. “Just leave me alone Kevin, just let me be.”

“Come on Nicky, that’s not true and you know it. You have me, you have your family and the rest of the guys,” Kevin said as he walked down to the stall that Nick was in.

“Just go away Kevin, leave me alone,” Nick said as Kevin leaned against the sink.

“No Nicky, I’m not going to leave you alone. Come on, they’re calling our flight, let’s go,” Kevin said as he waited for Nick to come out of the bathroom stall.

Orlando, FL – The Sheraton World Resort – Justin’s Hotel Room

“What in the hell are you doing here? What in the hell do you want?” Justin asked as he stood in the doorway, watching Joshua Charles stare back at him.

“Please Justin, please give me another chance. I know I screwed up, but I’m really sorry for all of that. I love you Justin,” Joshua stated as he walked into the room and got down on his knees in front of Justin.

“Get up and get the hell out of my room Josh! Get out before I call my security team and have them beat your ass!” Justin snapped as he turned away from Joshua.

“Please Justin; please give me another chance. I promise… I promise that I won’t screw up again,” Joshua declared as he looked up at Justin.

“I said get the hell out of here!” Justin screamed as he pointed at the door for Joshua to get up and leave.

“No Justin, I’m not going to leave, not until you tell me that you’re going to give me another chance,” Joshua said as he clasped his hands together, acting like he was praying.

“Fine then, you can stay here, I’ll leave,” Justin said as he grabbed his jacket and walked out of the room.

“Justin!” Joshua called out, getting up off the floor and running behind Justin.

A Few Minutes Later – Somewhere on Interstate 4

Justin’s POV

Why in the hell can’t he just leave me the hell alone? I was starting to heal and now he’s gone and done this shit! I don’t want him back in my life. I don’t want a guy like him, a guy that’s going to cheat on me and then hurt me around every damn turn. I want someone in my life that loves me, someone that isn’t going to cheat on me with the first, second and third piece of ass that comes by. I want a guy in my life that’s going to love me for me and not for how good I can sing and dance or how much money I can make for him. I want something real, something that’s going to last forever. I want someone that’s not going to beat on me, hurt me.

“Why is it that I can’t have what I want God?” I asked aloud as I drove along the interstate, not really paying attention to the rest of traffic as I heard a horn blow, then a loud crash and then felt a giant thud as everything went black. Oh God, what happened? Did I just have an accident? Did I just collide with another vehicle or something?

Moments Previously – Somewhere in the Air – Aboard a Jetliner

Kevin’s POV

“Where are you going?” I asked, looking up at Nick as he got up from his seat.

“Damn, I’m only going to the bathroom Kev. What do you want Kevin? Do you want to come with me so you can shake it and then tuck it back in for me?” He asked, looking at me with a mean expression on his face.

“No, I don’t want to do that Nicky. You don’t have to be rude you know,” I said as I looked down. I wouldn’t mind shaking it off for him; I would do more than just shake it; I would like to do other things with him, but because of Brian’s actions, I fear he’s ruined Nicky’s heart.

“I’m not being rude Kevin. This is me now, deal with it. If you can’t deal with the new me, you should’ve left me where I damn was,” he said as he walked away down the aisle.

“Hello sir, is there something I can get you?” The flight attendant asked.

“No thank you,” Nick replied as he walked past the young man, continuing his trek down the aisle.

Nick’s POV

As I walked into the little bathroom, I made sure the door was locked. Sighing, I took off my jacket and then sat down on top of the small hand basin. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I shook my head and then sighed once more. Rolling up my shirtsleeve, I searched around my jacket for my little surprise. Finding what I was looking for, I held the small razor in my hand, admiring it closely as I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

“I’m alone now and I can finally do what I need to do,” I said to myself as I turned the water on in the basin. “I know this is wrong, but I need to put an end to all of my pain. I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can’t go on like this. This is the only way.”

As I said those last words, I used the razor to slit both of my wrists. Wincing in pain, I leaned against the sink as I put both of my hands into the water, doing my best to hold myself up. The pain I felt from the slits in my wrists ripped through my body, but I had no choice but to endure that so I can end my other pains. Closing my eyes, I felt a few tears slide down my face as I wondered how good it would feel to be free of all the things I’ve had to endure in my life. I get to say goodbye to all of my pain and I can be happy.

Almost an Hour Later – Outside the Bathroom

Kevin’s POV

It’s been a long while since Nicky went to the bathroom. What’s taking him so long? Why hasn’t he come out yet? I know good and damn well that it doesn’t take that long to piss or to take a damn dump, if that’s what he had to do. I feel it in my heart that something’s wrong, but I don’t know what it is.

As I walked over to the bathroom, I had this strange feeling that things were changing. As I got to the door, I looked around and then tapped on the door as it clicked, opened and then a little boy walked out, shooting me the bird. Sighing and shaking my head, I walked over to the other door and then tapped on it. It showed that it was occupied, but no one said anything. He’s not in his seat, so he has to be in there.

“Sir, there’s another one available, if you need to go,” the flight attendant spoke as he pointed at the other door.

“I don’t need to use the bathroom, I’m trying to check on my friend,” I said with a frown. “I’m trying to get my friend to come out of there.”

“Well maybe your friend isn’t ready to come out just yet,” the flight attendant said with a weak smile.

“Is there some other way to get in there?” I asked, looking over at the young man. “He’s been in there for a very long time. I’ve been out here knocking, but there’s no answer.”

“Are you sure he’s still in there? Are you sure he didn’t come out already and he’s gone to another part of the plane?” He asked, looking at me closely.

“Right now, I’m not sure of anything. I just need to get this damn door open. I think something’s wrong!” I snapped, getting agitated with the situation at hand. “We need to find a way to get this door opened.”

“Hold on sir, let me find the thing to open the door with,” another flight attendant said as she opened a drawer and then looked around for something. “Here it is.”

“Hurry up please, open the door,” I said with a frown.

“Hello, is there someone occupying this laboratory?” The flight attendant asked as she tapped on the door. “I’m giving you time to answer, before I actually open the door.”

“See, no answer. Please just go ahead and open the door already,” I said as I glared at the woman.

“Okay,” she said as she inserted the small key-like object into the door and then turned it as the door clicked and then opened.

“Oh my God!” I screamed out, pushing past the woman into the small area to get over to Nick. “Nick!”

Oh God, what has he done? He’s leaning over the sink and the water in the sink is red. Oh God, why? Why did he do this?

“Let me alert the captain about this,” she said as she moved behind the wall and picked up the phone. “April, we have a situation over here.”

“What’s the problem Tessa?” Another flight attendant asked as she looked over to where we were.

“We need help over here!” I screamed as I shook Nick. “He has a pulse, but he doesn’t seem to be conscious.”

“That’s the situation. It seems the man has slit his wrists or something and he’s unconscious,” Tessa, the flight attendant spoke as she covered her mouth.

“Oh My God, that—that’s Nick Canton of the Fifth Avenue Boys!” April, the other flight attendant squealed.

“Of course it is, this is one of the reasons why you don’t work in first class often,” Tessa said as she shook her head.

“We don’t have time for this! Is there a doctor aboard the plane?” I asked, looking at the people standing around. “We need to stop the bleeding and get him to the hospital!”

“I’ll go speak with the Captain,” April stated as she walked away.

“His heart is still beating, he’s still breathing, but his pulse is very weak. We need to get him to a hospital quick,” I said as I looked down at Nick.

“Hello sir, I’m Captain Parker, what seems to be the problem here?” The Captain asked as he walked into the area where we were.

“We need to land this plane and get him some medical attention,” I frantically said. “Where are we?”

“We’re not too far from Orlando, Florida,” the Captain answered.

“Would you please land so we can get him to a hospital?” I asked as the tears streamed down my face.

“Tessa, call ahead and have an ambulance on site to be ready when we land,” the captain instructed as he turned around. “Give him whatever we have on board to help him stop the bleeding and get things under control.”

“Yes sir,” Tessa replied as she picked up the phone to do as instructed by the captain.

“Thank you Captain,” I said as I looked down at Nick again.

“What—what’s going on?” Nick weakly asked as he opened his eyes.

“Why Nicky, why did you do this to yourself?” I asked, smoothing his hair away from his face.

“I—I’m sorry Kev, I’m really sorry,” he said as he closed his eyes again.

“No Nicky, I’m sorry. I should’ve done something before now. I—I’m sorry that I let Brian hurt you like this. I’m sorry for all of the pain you’ve gone through. I’m sorry for everything that has saddened you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do for you, what you looked for with other people. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way that you wanted me to love you,” I told him, holding him in my arms as I continued crying as Tessa came back into the bathroom with some bandages.

To Be Continued…